Today has been a tough day.

Its a cold, windy overcast day here in Virginia, and somehow our moods seems to fit the weather.  

We’re all tired, and its been an emotional day.

We met with hospice this morning.  Apparently patients have to be admitted to hospice care, so we had mom’s interview this morning. It was sort of a hot and cold experience. The hospice nurse at the facility is awesome (her name is Betty – I know “Nurse Betty” right?!). She was able to walk Andy and I through what’s to come.  The admitting nurse who handles the paperwork is a different story. She wasn’t familiar with mom’s chart and we had to take a timeout to figure things out, she was also half an hour late. I’ve got nothing against being a little disorganized, but there are some situations where you should have your stuff together.

Part of the hospice process is giving the dying “permission” to die. I’ve heard of this in the past, but I was surprised that I had to tell mom its ok for her to go, I thought it was obvious.

I was unprepared for how difficult it was to tell her that its ok for her to die, that she doesn’t have to hold on for Andy and I. She’s done a good job as a mom, and that we’ll be here to take care of each other.  I was just as unprepared for how grateful she would be to hear it. Its hard for my mom to be vulnerable, even with Andy and I. She’s still mom and we’re still her boys. She’s been trying to protect us, and telling her that its ok to go has taken that burden away from her.

Nurse Betty (If you’re reading this Betty – sorry in advance, I think that one is going to stick) told us something about dying. That the superficial layers of the dying person’s personality are slowly stripped away as they become unburdened by their traditional roles – caretaker, boss, extrovert, life of the party – leaving the most essential parts – daughter, sister, mother. She’s slowly withdrawing from the world, and all we can do is wave from the shore and cheer her along.  

Which brings me to a request from Andy and I. If you plan on visiting mom, do it for the right reasons. If you’re coming because you need closure, because you need to be consoled, because you need to tell her something, put it in a note and send it to the blog.  Don’t burden her with those things.  

On the other hand, if you’re coming to celebrate her life, if you’re coming to encourage her and give her the love, encouragement and strength she’s going to need on this journey then please come and visit with her briefly. If Andy and I can give her permission, then you can too.

To simplify the visiting logistics, we’re setting up some visiting hours for Mom 6-8pm Monday to Thursday. We’re holding weekends for close family and quiet time for Mom. If you can’t make these hours, please give Andy and I some advanced notice so we can let Mom know when you’re coming. The realities of nursing home life make “popping in” really hit or miss for mom and her care.

Thanks again for everyone’s support and kind messages of encouragement. Its been overwhelming, and Mom enjoys hearing them in the evening.